Over the Top!

So, the ever adorable Kelly L. of [Insert Clever Title Here]  gave me the “Over the Top” blog award! Yay!!!

Anyways, I’d like to thank her cute self for this kind gesture and thank all of my readers for making my first year of blogging a great one. (Yep, I think my blogoversary came and went last month. Oops! Please send presents. Haha, no…seriously.)

Anyways, kelly had a list of questions on her blog for me to answer and the idea of the questions was to answer them in one or as few words as possible. So, here you go!

1. Where is your cell phone? who knows
2. Your hair? crazy
3. Your mother? crazy
4. Your father? crazy
5. Your favorite food? dessert
6. Your dream last night? weird
7. Your favorite drink? champagne
8. Your dream/goal? money!
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? painting
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? not iowa
13. Where were you last night? where were YOU last night?
14. Something you aren’t? quiet
15. Muffins? banana-nut
16. Wish list item? macbook pro
17. Where did you grow up? chicago/colorado
18. Last thing you did? brushed my teeth
19. What are you wearing? glasses and a t-shirt…sexy, huh?
20. Your TV? on the food or travel channel
21. Your pets? death becomes them. oops
22. Your friends? AMAZING
23. Your life? pretty cool
24. Your mood? pleasant
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? jeep
27. Something you’re not wearing? a bra….typical
28. Your favorite store? anne taylor
29. Your favorite color? yellow
30. When was the last time you laughed? two minutes ago
31. Last time you cried? a week ago
32. Your best friend? Jax
33. One place that you go over and over? target
34. One person who emails me regularly? the boy
35. Favorite place to eat? Mr. Ramen in Los Angeles!

Now that the little game is over, head on over to Kelly’s bloggity and show her some love, y’all!

a message to the groundhogs

listen up you little niblet fuck, spring has been a long time coming and i want it now, dammit. we have a whole damn day dedicated to you and i need you to do me a solid on February 2nd. if you so much as peep one second at your fucking shadow, i will find your little groundhog family and make a new winter coat out of your wife and kids to keep me warm through the rest of the winter. i will skin them alive. you are nothing but an overly obese squirrel and i don’t even know why you get to have a whole damn holiday, but you do. so, if you want to save your wife and kids, you’ll make everyone think that spring is gonna be here soon, got it?

it’s bad enough that i live in iowa of all places. i sure as shit didn’t come to this school for the climate or the scenery, but i want my warm weather dammit! do you understand? one more snow storm and i’m gonna lose my shit….don’t fuck this day up for me ‘hog.

xoxo

maddie

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A lil’ rant…about the book of faces

Listen up friends, I love you all dearly….kinda…sorta….maybe and I want to be kept in “the know” when it comes to your life, but clearly I need to clarify some things. Here’s the deal, facebook is used for photos, messages, and writing drunken posts on people’s walls at all hours of the night. Here is what it should NOT be used for: dirty laundry and over-sharing of information. 

Dear Pregnant and bloated friend,

Ahhhh, the miracle of life. I’m super thrilled about the fact that you have a tiny sea monkey growing inside of you, but could you wait until after you give birth to share pictures? Your profile picture of a 3-D sonogram of a fetus staring at me freaks me out. It’s all swimming inside of you and covered in your fluids and I just don’t need to see that. Also, congrats on finding out the sex of the baby, but is that picture of your uterus with an arrow pointing towards an itty bitty penis declaring “it’s a big boy!” really necessary? I think not. Furthermore, can we talk about the creepy pictures of your stretched out belly? You belly button looks as though it’s trying to escape and although the myriad of stretch marks serve as an adequate form of birth control for me right now, I really don’t need to see a picture of your stretched out fat-ass in a swimsuit with you pointing to your massive growth. I get it, you’re knocked up. Congrats. Keep it to yourselves until the lil’ nugget is born, ok? Good.

Dear friend who gets entirely too drunk and shares your life with us,

Although your shenanigans provide me with a bundle of laughs, maybe you should consider the fact that you will soon be on the job hunt and that picture of you holding a red solo cup and contorting your bod around a stripper pole doesn’t really scream “I’m good executive material.” Also, quit wearing see through shirts and then acting surprised when the flash on the camera allows your neon colored panties and bra to be exposed…whore.

Dear poor excuse of a grown man who just went through a break-up,

We all go through the phase of getting dumped in our life. You’re making that phase a new low though by whining about it on your status. Throwing yourself a pity party does nothing. Put on your big boy panties and move along with your life. A word of the wise? When people write on your status: “OMG, are you ok?” What they really mean is: “I care about you and your happiness, but not enough to call you and see if you need anything.” What do you want from that mopey status you just wrote about losing love? A hug? A cookie? How about I just tell you to suck it up and move along with your life.  You go buy yourself some Ben&Jerry’s and cry it out, you poor excuse for a man, you. Also, listen to some “I wanna know what love is” it always helped me when I was twelve years old and didn’t have a date to the dance with the high school quarter back I had a crush on.

Dear friend who only updates her status with countdowns until Valentine’s day,

Fucking knock that shit off, seriously. Thanks.

My whole family is inappropriate

On this national holiday celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I thought I would share a story with you about what race means in my family. Well, not really. Actually it’s just a conversation my brothers had over the dinner table quite a few years ago that had me rolling on the ground with laughter. In my family, everyone looks different because everyone is from a different cultural background. I’m a mutt consisting of Irish, Jewish, Russian, Portuguese, and even Black although you’d never guess it unless you saw my booty and my white girl ‘fro. My brother Sean is Asian, Vietnamese to be exact and my brother Connor is African American. Every single racial slur was thrown around in my family when we were younger. As kids, we never knew what they really meant, but we knew they were hurtful. As we grew older, we embraced our differences more and more and often times made jokes about them. I remember being in a high school class one time with my younger brother Sean. We are barely 13 months apart and had the same classes in high school sometimes which was both fun and painfully embarrassing at times. The teacher was asking Sean, who was half asleep, to read something on the board. “Open your eyes!” she told him sternly. To which Sean jokingly yelled back “I’m Asian! Is that supposed to be funny!?” The teacher was completely taken aback. Not entirely sure as to whether she offended him or whether he was just being his typical asshole self.

Over Christmas, Connor and I decided we would go out for sushi one night. We asked Sean if he wanted to join us and he said “Gross! You like to eat that raw fish crap? That’s disgusting. No thanks.”

The youngest brother Connor turned to me and said in a very sincere and very serious tone, “He’s Asian….doesn’t he have to like sushi?” Sean could hear him ask this question to me and marched up to him. “First of all you little asshole, I’m Vietnamese and I’m from Chicago, not ‘Nam. Sushi is Japanese. And second on all, what is a comment like that supposed to mean? What if I said that since you were black you had to like fried chicken, grits, and watermelon? What would you think about that?”

Connor looked at me as I was dying of laughter and then looked at Sean. “Well, I DO like fried chicken and watermelon. I don’t know what grits are though.” he said.

“Well, what if I told you to go pick cotton?!” Sean yelled.

“I still don’t know what you are talking about.” Connor said in a very confused tone.

At this point, my parents were in the kitchen laughing hysterically at this exchange, Connor was still confused as to how he had insulted Sean, and Sean was sitting on the couch shaking his head.

So there you go folks, a typical Friday night conversation at the Maddie household.

I know I should maybe end this post with something more profound about how all of our races make us unique and bring us together, but seriously…..my family is dysfunctional just like everyone else’s, and I’m okay with that.

splendid mishap….now with video blogs! yay!

okay kids, i got sick of typing this week…so i made my first ever video blog. yay! the camera quality is crap. i’m no director, that’s for damn sure, but you get the idea. also, i’m super proud of myself for finding out how to create and embed a video all by myself. hooray for a few failed attempts.

Happy Twenty-ten!

It’s new year’s eve, and you know what I’m not going to do? I’m NOT gonna go out and party. Two years ago, I sat in my bed with a dog, a half empty bottle of champagne, and my best friend Jax. We watched as the tv faded behind our drunken conversation. I could see the shiny ball dropping through my drunken and glassed over eyes. Whenever I have too much to drink, you can tell because I start getting really really sleepy and my eyes become droopy and I can barely see. What a weird tradition too, New York city. A ball dropping? It sounds so wrong. Like everyone is watching a teens testicle descend into puberty as we ring in the new year. Strange. A lot of traditions are strange this time of year. New Year’s resolutions are something I don’t understand either. I’ve never really done that or understood why people do that. However, this year my mom said that her resolution was to drink more. There’s a plan I can get down with.

Anyways, two years ago,Jax raised her glass and clinked mine only to spill some champagne on the duvet cover. “To the new year!” She said. “May this one be a little less lonely than the last!” We laughed, the kind of nervous laugh you do when something is funny, but you’re also totally fucking serious. We weren’t kidding. When everyone else was downtown celebrating the reckless abandonment of their morals while sucking face with Ricky Random, Jax and I were getting slobbery kisses from the dog lying in my bed. Score.

This year, I’m a little less lonely. Okay, I’m not lonely at all. This past year I’ve had a wonderful boy in my life, dedicated readers of my blog, and amazing new people I’ve met through twitter. In fact, this blog is dedicated to one of those twitter folk, Michael Hills (@mjh81) who insisted I write a post in the next to days. He said it was critical and a matter of life or death. I hope this crappy spur of the moment blog post will suffice in sparing your life.

The boy said to me “Everything in LA sucks for new years. Every single club and restaurant features some DJ Jazzy Jams who will be spinning the top forty bull shit songs you know and hate.” I have to agree with him on that. So let me live vicariously through you all. What will you be doing for new years? Will you go out and partake in the drunken debauchery? Will you be out on the dance floor contracting herpes as you grind up on some douche bag hottie in an Ed Hardy Tee while listening to crappy music? Whatever you do, have a safe and happy new year…and if you must make a resolution, take a tip from my mother and resolve to drink more.

Christmas time is here!

I found this Christmas meme and thought that it might be fun to answer some of these questions. enjoy!

Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Gift bags for sure, I’m too lazy. My wrapping always looks like a deranged five year old wrapped it.

Real tree or artificial?

My apartment has a fake tree. It is tiny and pink. My parents get a real tree though. It’s sixteen feet tall and I am PISSED that my family decorated everything without me. Luckily my mom didn’t go too nuts with the garland this year though. Sometimes it looks like Christmas cheer got drunk on egg nog and threw up all over our home….but in a very tastefully overdone sort of way.

When do you put up the tree?

Ahem, physical labor? Do you know me? I don’t do that. I throw my little pink Christmas tree up in my room though when the first snow hits the ground.

When do you take the tree down?

Again, I don’t do that sort of thing.

Do you like egg nog?

Nope. Not really. Not even if it’s doused in rum.

Favorite gift received as a child?

Hmmm….. I got an American Girl Doll once when I was little and was really excited about that! I got Addy, the only black doll that was available. My mom thought it was strange that she was the one that I wanted, but she went with it anyways. I remember that a lot of my friends hassled me about having a black doll and a lot of those friends parents hassled my mom as well. She bought me the red haired doll the year later so I would have one that looked like me as well. I loved all the clothes they came with!

 Hardest person to by for?

The boy, of course. Anyone have any good ideas on what to get him?

Easiest person to buy for?

Myself, of course. Ok, just kidding. My friends are the easiest to buy for. I think girls in general are easy to buy for. We like sparkly things. That should be easy enough.

Do you have a nativity scene?

My parents have one. I like to set it up. I get really possessive when anyone plays with the figures or fucks up the positions I set them all up in.

Mail or Email Christmas cards?

Neither. We stopped sending Christmas cards awhile ago. My mom mails some out, but we never take a picture for the cards like we used to.

Favorite Christmas movies?

Elf, Charlie Brown Christmas, Muppets Christmas Carol, and of course, The Grinch!

When do you start Christmas shopping?

About five days before Christmas….seriously.

Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

Yep. I’m a cheap ass.

Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

I love gingerbread! Also, every year on Christmas eve, we get escargot. (snails) They are my favorite! I only get them once a year and I will stab you with the tiny snail fork if you so much as try to steal on little bite!

Lights on the tree?

Yes. Hundreds. Eff conserving on energy. It’s Christmas, mother fuckers. Light ‘em up! (the trees, I mean)

Favorite Christmas Song?

Until recently having snow dumped on me my favorite was “Let it snow,” but screw that noise.  I love “Baby it’s cold outside” and “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.”

Travel at Christmas or stay at home?

A little bit of both this year. I’ll be in Colorado and California this year. We used to travel to my Grandmas in Indiana when we were much younger and have Christmas with aunts and uncles and cousins. That was always fun.

Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

Yep. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen…and Rudolph!

Angel or Star tree topper?

A star! We always forget to stick it on top of the tree before putting the tree up so it becomes a big fiasco trying to get it to the top!

Open the presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

Morning! We go out for dinner for Christmas Eve and more recently my younger brother and I have started a tradition of getting drunk with some friends after dinner. We then sleep in until my youngest brother can stand to wait no longer so he comes and wakes us up to open presents.

Most annoying thing about this time of year?

Every asshole flying home at the airport who thinks yelling at people “But I have to get home for Christmas!” will make the plane take off on time. Oh, and then those weird people who clap when the plane lands. What did you think it was gonna do?

Favorite ornament, theme, or color?

My favorite ornament was this little wax angel my mom had. I used to pick at it all the time because it was wax though and that always pissed my mom off. We still have the angel on our tree and you can totally see how I’ve picked and scraped at it when I was little.

Favorite Christmas tradition growing up?

Some nights after dinner we would get hot cocoa and cookies and get to eat them in the car while we drove around late at night looking for Christmas lights.

Favorite tradition now?

We don’t have many new traditions now, but I do take some kiddos I babysit for to the electrical safari at the zoo at Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado. The zoo gets all lit up and you can walk around, see the animals, drink hot cocoa, and even see Santa.

Favorite Christmas memory?

 Making gingerbread houses and setting up a Christmas tree. I guess I love being with family when the world seems so still and peaceful, but dammit, I love gingerbread too. Yum!
When my brothers and I were younger, our aunt would send us tons and tons of candy and trimmings to use on some pre-maid gingerbread she baked and sent to us. I always carefully tiled the roof with chex mix and lined the front lawn with gum drops. My brothers on the other hand could never get the gingerbread house to stand up correctly (they didn’t have the patience to hold it while the frosting dried) and so they would create a ginger bread war zone. Every Santa candy for himself. Red frosting blood was squirted everywhere. We lost a lot of good (ginger bread) men. The funny thing? We are all grown up now and we still head back to my moms house for our gingerbread making tradition…..and those assholes still make a gingerbread war zone and teach the kids how to do the same. I could kill them, but it kind of cracks me up too. Some things never change….and i love Christmas for that. Traditions live on…too bad the ginger bread people die.

I’m due for a good rant.

Really TLC? Really? Remember when you had normal shows like “A Wedding Story” and “A Baby Story?” I loved those. I loved the wedding story one because I have an unhealthy obsession with weddings. I loved the baby story because it scared me from ever wanting children (as did years of babysitting.) Nowadays, it seems as though TLC is trying to reach a narrower demographic. No more wedding bells and baby showers. The channel has become overloaded with weird pregnancy shows, huge families, and midgets (little people? What is the PC word for them? Oh, who cares.) How is there an entire freaking show called “I didn’t know I was pregnant?!” How is that possible? Some THING lives inside of you for nine months and you have no clue? It kicks and moves and makes you puke and pee every five seconds and gain weight and you haven’t the slightest idea that in nine months a freaking kid is gonna shove its way out of you? I. Don’t. Get. It. And how on earth were there enough women out there who didn’t know they were pregnant to make an entire series for television? That scares me.

Also, lets talk about this fascination with little people. In every single promo for a little person show they say “We’re just like everyone else.” Um, then why do you get your own freaking show!? Also, this new little person show about chocolate makers called “Chocolatiers?” Really TLC? You couldn’t find a family named “Keebler” that baked cookies in an oak tree? Way to promote funny stereotypes. 

I’m also kind of done with these huge families. Jon and Kate was fun back when they weren’t all over the tabloids, but the “Duggars 19 and Counting” and “Table for Twelve?” We get it, you don’t know how to use birth control. You like to just allow God to shower you with children. Here is the thing, God isn’t really just giving you children whenever he damn feels like it. If you hump like rabbits on the days that you are ovulating, you’re likely to get pregnant especially given your history as “Fertile Myrtle.” That’s not some “gift from God,” it’s called biology and “natural family planning.” Get with the program. You people are weirdos and the earth is already overpopulated. Think about the carbon footprint that you and your family alone are leaving on the earth. I feel like it’s a little selfish. Also, how do you manage to have 19 kids and feel like each and everyone of them gets enough love and attention? Having that many kids is not good for anyones body and I’m not just talking about the fact that you vagina can probably touch the floor and your stomach looks like something out of Aliens vs. Predators.

Stop with the huge families, stop with the little people, the little couple, the little chocolate makers, stop with the deranged five year old beauty queens and stop with the odd pregnancy stories. Please and thank you.

Love, Maddie.