I couldn’t form sentences today, so I made a list instead…

1. I’m twenty-two years old and about to graduate. I have no idea what I want to do with my life or if I even want to work in the field that I studied in. oddly enough, I’m ok with this….for now. I’m predicting a meltdown soon though.
2. My college professor came to class today with jeans on that had rhinestones on her ass pockets. I feel like she is too young to be my college professor.
3. I hate it when the waiter comes to the table to ask me how everything is right after I take that enormous bite of food that will take me a good five minutes to chew.
4. I wish that when I told my parents that I wanted to go to school out in Iowa, one of them would have hit me….hard.
5. Sometimes when something in a classroom or public place smells bad, I pretend to be overly disgusted just so that people know that whatever smells is not me.
6. Sometimes I lie about how Disney songs got onto my itunes and I say that my younger siblings downloaded them.
7. I will never understand why people blow their nose and then look at the Kleenex.
8. There should be a sanitization area outside of the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese, that’s how swine flu starts.
9. I’ve learned that you don’t need to be the prettiest girl at the bar, you just need to be willing to show the most cleavage.

10. What is the point of sunflower seeds? It’s too much work to eat. Buy them out of the shell.

11. When people tell you that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, what they are telling you is that you might need a nose job.

12. When I buy tampons at the store, I don’t care who is at the checkout stand. When I buy pads, I make sure it’s a girl….or a really ugly guy.

13. I can’t believe I went through my entire college career without ever getting arrested or charged with something alcohol related.

14. I feel like I always have better and funnier stories than other people and I don’t enjoy having to pretend to laugh at my friends stories.

15. Was there educational value in playing Oregon Trail, or did we just have time to kill in computer class?

16. There are some things that should never be diet or reduced fat.

17. If I meet a boyfriend on a dating website, I’m likely to lie and tell my friends we met at a bar.

18. Who thought that website with all the local sex offenders in your neighborhood would be a good idea? That shit is scary….no matter where you live.

19. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember if I’ve actually met a person, or if I’ve just extensively stalked their facebook profile.

20. The shamwow and the snuggie are very disappointing products. Why didn’t I think if that?

21. Why is it that when I go out and I look like I just crawled out of the gutter, I always run into people I know?

22. I will never understand people who forego smoking because of the health risks, yet they will go tanning.

23. I don’t understand the point of washing a measuring cup that was only used to measure out water.

24. Sometimes my favorite songs get used in crappy commercials. This pisses me off.

25. Hey vampire trend, that’ll do. That’ll fucking do.

26. People never look as good in real life as they do in their avatar. That’s a fact.

27. I think women who carry mace or tazers are women who think “I’m really good looking, and someone is totally gonna try and rape this fine ass of mine.” I always think they are full of themselves.

28.  Buffet food always tastes like regret….always.

29.  It’s fun to paint your hand with rubber cement and then peel it off, I don’t care what anyone says.

30. If you are a woman, and you type your symptoms into WebMD,  I think that 90% of the time it will tell you you’re  pregnant.

31. Birth control and pregnancy tests should be in the “pest control” section of the convenient store.

32. I automatically dislike anyone with a sub par grasp of basic grammar skills. Please learn to use the correct forms of “they’re, there, and their.” Thanks.

33. Why is it that in all of my really difficult classes in college, I have a foreign professor who barely speaks English?

34. Foreign professors should not be allowed to dock points off of papers for grammar mistakes. Guess what? “How do you call it?” is the BIGGEST grammar mistake possible.

35. I don’t care what your political affiliation is, Barrack Obama is our President right now and you should show him respect whether you voted for him or not.

36. Whenever things are really not going well for me, I wonder if it was because I neglected to forward that email chain letter to fifteen friends.

37. I have yet to meet a woman who finds the smell of axe body spray appealing.

38. Sometimes after alcohol induced decisions, I wish I were a praying mantis and could bite the heads off of men I’ve slept with. I can’t have those bad decisions wandering the streets.

39. Sometimes I pretend to be dyslexic and when the teddy graham box says you can eat 24 bears for 130 calories, I eat 130 bears and pretend it was only 24 calories.

40. No one looks cool when they wear their sunglasses indoors, douche.